Letting Go of EGO
One of the things I’m really starting to understand through coaching individuals and teams is that the biggest barrier to individual and collective leadership is the ego. Now there are two sides to ego: there is the side of our ego that is all about self-importance and conceit and there is the side of our ego that is about self-esteem and confidence. At first glance, you might think of these two sides of our ego as being positive and negative, but actually both can be blockers to individuals getting in their own way.
If you are always centering your own self-importance then everything you work to achieve, all of your goals, are individualized and it’s about your success, and your success alone. This means if you are part of a team or organization but only self-centered you are going to find it extremely difficult to set aside your own interests to be a part of a collective effort that is about the good of the team or organization.
Looking at the other side of our egos, if you lack or have an abundance of self-esteem and confidence then you will be less open and willing to pursue anything that is about your own growth and development. Why, because growth and development requires us admitting we’re not perfect and we don’t have all the answers. Individuals who struggle with their esteem and confidence are loath to have their failures and areas for improvement on display - it’s a vicious cycle of undermining the very confidence they’ve worked so hard to achieve. I know this is particularly true for people of color and women of color - our egos are our protective mechanisms for all of the bias, racism, misogyny we experience on a daily basis. Being vulnerable in a society that already deems you less than is a completely terrifying experience that often doesn’t work out in our best interest.
So given all of this, how do we work through the constraints of our egos? Here are some suggestions to consider from the team membership perspective and the individual perspective.
Identifying goals that serve both team and individual. See if you can articulate how goals that are in the best interest of the collective team also have benefits for your own personal and professional goals. For example, if the team accomplishes a specific team revenue goal what would that additional revenue mean for the body of work you’re responsible for? If you helped to meet that team goal - how can you articulate that contribution in your performance review or on your resume?
Understand what strengths and talents you bring towards the team or organization achieving results. Think of these strengths and talents as part of the recipe for success - you bring some ingredients to the recipe, but not all of them. In order to have successful team outcomes every team member is reliant on the others' contributions. When you know and understand this it becomes less about you alone and more about the collective effort.
Invite constructive and appreciative feedback and reciprocate. Failure is only a fail if we don’t learn from it. The same is true of success. Inviting feedback will help you articulate what things you’re really strong at [self-confidence] and where you have room for growth [self-improvement and awareness].
Ask for help. If you are struggling with getting in your own way, ask a peer to coach you on your challenge or barrier by asking what, how and when questions to help you surface a non-ego centered perspective. When you ask for help from someone who is at a similar positional level as you, it removes some of the tension around “power over” that we often experience with a supervisor or someone in a senior leadership role. Additionally, if you peer coach with someone who has a similar identity as you, then you can feel more comfortable not having to explain or be judged by cultural and identity nuances, giving space for a more authentic helping relationship.
Be quiet, still and listen. If your ego is at the center of your relationships, you often show up in a stance that says, "I have all of the answers". Or, "I know the only right way". If you’re in a pair or team conversation - don’t jump quickly to respond, just be still and listen and see what surfaces. The likelihood is high that you will open yourself up to a new perspective, learning, or solution and that is a gift the ego can’t give you.
