Protecting Your Peace
Remember that Shonda Rhimes book that came out a handful of years ago, Year of Yes ? Shonda was sharing her year-long adventure of saying ‘yes’ to every opportunity that came her way - social events, speaking engagements, and professional gigs. I thought about that book recently and wondered how many women exhausted themselves because they took up this idea to say ‘yes’ to all-of-the-things. I know I may be oversimplifying here, but I just know so many women who are over-tired because they are doing everything that comes their way. Some of the responsibilities are non-negotiable, parenting for example, but for other things, I wondered: Are we as intentional as we can be about the things we say ‘yes’ and ‘no’ to?
This reflection came after talking with a coach partner who was feeling overwhelmed by all of the things on their plate. And I asked them, Are all of these things on your plate things you have chosen to take on? Or are these responsibilities that just somehow land on you because of others' expectations of what you can or should hold? And then we explored what they would need to set some boundaries around time and capacity.
One of the things I know to be true is when we move too fast in life we often don’t consider that ‘no’ is an option. Sometimes the ‘yes’ is just easy because it does not challenge assumptions around what is expected of us as human beings. The ‘yes’ goes parallel with grind culture - it’s status quo behavior to just keep taking on more and more until something happens that forces you to pause and assess all of the labor - emotional and professional - we pile on to unsustainable degrees.
But what if the PAUSE was more intentional? What if when we started to feel in our gut this feeling of overwhelm or even in the moment of feeling overwhelmed, we took an intentional pause to reflect on our response or reaction? What if we knew in advance the boundaries we wanted to hold and our criteria for what we would say ‘yes’ and ‘no’ to?
As a self-identified introvert. I’m extremely talented at saying ‘no’ to social events. This comes easy to me because I know that one of the ways that I take care of myself and protect my peace is by having time alone by myself. I am my own best company. So I am very judicious about saying ‘yes’ to social events only if it means there is time afterward for me to be in my little cocoon and recharge.
Now saying ‘no’ professionally is a place where I’m still growing and learning. Part of the reason is that I’m an entrepreneur and when you’re self-employed and responsible for generating your income it’s a little harder to say ‘no’ to things that mean more resources for you and your family. However, I have gotten clearer in the last few years on what that professional ‘no’ criteria is. For example, I say no to any professional opportunity that…
Is not aligned with my values
Doesn’t pay me what I’m worth in terms of my talents and expertise
Feels performative - in other words the potential client or partner and I don’t have a shared definition of what success looks like
Exposes me to energy vampires [people or places that are going to deplete me]
I have built in the intentional PAUSE for work life. Whenever I’m considering a new opportunity I politely ask for at least an evening to consider it and respond the following day. This allows me to assess my criteria and if the project is a fit.
This building in pauses for reflection is also a great practice for managing conflict or intense conversations. In the heat of the moment, you can say to a partner, colleague, or client - “Can I ask that we take a pause here? I’d like to have a little space before I respond or react.” I know this will feel awkward at the moment, but this pause prevents all kinds of harm, misunderstanding, and future conflict. Creating this spaciousness, especially in intense dialogue means instead of reacting from an emotional place you can respond with intention. And that intention is in service to protecting not only your peace but the peace of others you’re in a relationship with.
What do you think about creating criteria for ‘yes’ and ‘no’? How do you see using the PAUSE for protecting your peace?
Maya
